THE PSYCHOLOGICAL STAGES OF DIVORCE
A dissolution of marriage does not end the relationship between you and your former spouse. Rather, it begins a new,
and often painful process of restructuring your relationship. working together, you can create a new relationship as
friends and Co-parents of your children.
This process, however, requires time. You should be aware of the various stages which may be encountered along the
way. These may occur separately or simultaneously.
The Mourning Stage
During this period one or both parties may feel separation pain of varying degrees. There is mourning over the loss of
the marriage relationship. Feelings of sadness may be accompanied by hurt, anger, or guilt. There may be a strong
need to place blame, "get even", or punish the other party. These feelings are normal although they can be frightening
and upsetting to the person who is experiencing them. This stage can't be rushed through. Allow yourself to experience
your feelings and seek counseling assistance if necessary. If you are the spouse who is the target of these feelings, you
can help by listening sympathetically and dealing with your spouse while he or she is going through this stage. it is
important to reassure the children that these feelings are not directed toward them, and do not affect their relationship
with either parent.
The Dependency Stage
During this stage, strong emotions may have subsided, but a need for various types of support - financial, emotional,
help with daily problems - may continue. The long-term habit of depending on one another for help and companionship
may persist for an indefinite period. Especially where there are children, or a long-term marriage, this interdependency
may continue for many years. This can be a healthy and positive relationship unless it delays the process of personal
growth or burdens either party. If this occurs, the party who feels burdened may need to be more assertive in expressing
his or her own needs. The party who feels overly dependent may need to work on developing a new support system,
and seek counseling, if necessary.
Building a New Identity
Each spouse in a marriage bases a part of his or her identity on the marriage age relationship. When the marriage
ends, a period of time is required to establish a new identity as a single person. This is an often painful process of self
discovery. It can involve purchasing a new home, exploring new interests and activities and making new friends. During
this period,it is a good idea to call on trusted friends and relatives for moral support and companionship.
The Final Stage
Integration This is the desired end result of the restructuring process. Each party feels comfortably established in his or
her new identity as a single person. (If there is a new relationship, he or she feels free to acknowledge that new
relationship without guilt or resentment.) There is a new sense of the ability to cope with the problems of daily life and of
personal well-being. Each person sees him or herself as a capable individual, with strengths and weaknesses, and feels
more accepting of his or her ex-spouse. A friendship may develop which is based on a realistic understanding and
appreciation of each other as individuals, and on common interests and responsibilities, especially as co-parents.
Legal Types of Divorce
No fault divorce
Under a no-fault divorce system the dissolution of a marriage does not require an allegation or proof of fault of either
party to be shown. Common reasons for no-fault divorce include: incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and
irremediable breakdown of the marriage. Forty-nine of the United States have adopted no-fault divorce laws. No-fault
divorce has been in operation in Australia since 1975 and the only thing the applicant needs to show is separation (or
"deemed separation") for 12 months. The divorce application can be made by both parties jointly.
At-fault divorce
Fault divorces used to be the only way to break a marriage, and people who had differences only had the option to
separate (and were prevented from legally remarrying). In the United States, only the state of New York still requires
fault for a divorce. All other states have adopted no-fault divorce statutes.
Fault divorce can affect the distribution of property, and will allow an immediate divorce, in states where there is a
waiting period required for no-fault divorce.
Residency requirements vary from state to state, and a spouse may separate, move to a state with divorce laws of their
choice, establish residency, and file. However, this typically does not change the state in which property and other
issues are decided.
Summary/Simple divorce
A summary (or simple) divorce, available in some jurisdictions, is used when spouses meet certain eligibility
requirements, or can agree on key issues beforehand.
Key factors:
• Short marriage (under 5 years)
• No children (or, in some states, they have resolved custody and set child support payments)
• Minimal or no real property (no mortgage)
• Marital property is under a threshold (around $35,000 not including vehicles)
• Each spouse's personal property is under a threshold (typically the same as marital property)
Uncontested divorce
It is estimated that upwards of 95% of divorces in the US are "uncontested," because the two parties are able to come to
an agreement (either with or without lawyers/mediators/collaborative counsel) about the property, children and support
issues. When the parties can agree and present the court with a fair and equitable agreement, approval of the divorce
is almost guaranteed. If the two parties cannot come to an agreement, they may ask the court to decide how to split
property, deal with children, .
Collaborative divorce
Collaborative divorce is becoming a popular method for divorcing couples to come to agreement on divorce issues. In a
collaborative divorce, the parties negotiate an agreed resolution with the assistance of attorneys who are trained in the
collaborative divorce process and in mediation, and often with the assistance of a neutral financial specialist and/or
divorce coach(es). The parties are empowered to make their own decisions based on their own needs and interests, but
with complete information and full professional support. Once the collaborative divorce starts, the lawyers are
disqualified from representing the parties in a contested legal proceeding, should the collaborative law process end
prematurely. Most attorneys who practice collaborative divorce claim that it can be substantially less expensive than
other divorce methods (regular divorce or mediation). However, should the parties not reach any agreements, any
documents or information exchanged during the collaborative process cannot later be used in further legal proceedings,
as the collabrative process is confidential proceedings. Furthermore, there are no set enforceable timelines for
completion of a divorce using collabrative divorce.
Mediated divorce
Divorce mediation is an alternative to traditional divorce litigation. In a divorce mediation session, a mediator facilitates
the discussion between the husband and wife by assisting with communication and providing information and
suggestions to help resolve differences. At the end of the mediation process, the separating parties have typically
developed a tailored divorce agreement that can be submitted to the court. Some mediation sessions can also include a
neutral attorney or an attorney-mediator who can inform both parties of their legal rights, but does not provide advice to
either. Divorce mediation can be significantly less expensive than litigation. The adherence rate to mediated agreements
is much higher than that of adherence to court orders.