The Basic Five: Categories of Affairs
Category 1 - Low Rent Rendezvous
This type of affair may well be a one-time betrayal.
The typical one night stand usually occurs when a spouse is away
from home, possibly on a business or pleasure trip (not to be confused
with a string of one night stands that occur as a sex addict pursues
his or her addictive drive), and in the heat of the moment, they
give in to temptation. Often this occurs in conjunction with drinking
and anonymity. This type of affair is not necessarily an indication
of problems in the marriage or that the betrayer is dissatisfied
with his or her mate. In fact, one of the distinguishing points
in this type of affair is the desire of the betrayer to stay in
their marriage.
The core of this betrayal is based upon bad choices,
poor boundaries, lack of integrity, and the opportunity to act.
Frequently, there is no emotional involvement, and it may well occur
with a perfect stranger who is befriended in the situation. It may
be motivated out of loneliness or curiosity, and is generally the
result of poor boundaries and the misguided thinking that "this
could never happen to me." Normally, individuals who have had
one night stands tell themselves that they will go to the grave
with their secret. This is not an indication that they want out
of the marriage, for in fact, their fear and desire to keep it secret
are indicators that they don't want to lose the marriage (even though
that's the wrong approach).
Characteristics:
• It is an affair of convenience or opportunity. It
is not something that is sought out, but rather occurs as the
result of an opportunity that is presented.
• The betrayer does not want to leave the marriage.
• There is not an ongoing relationship.
Category 2 - Lonely Hearts Club or Exit Affair
This type of affair is characterized by two individuals
who believe they are "in love". With this type, the betrayer
believes that he or she has fallen in love, and feels powerless
over powerful emotions. It is not uncommon for the betrayer to feel
guilty over what they are doing, but at the same time they are no
longer in love with their spouse and know that they will never be
happy unless they are with their lover. This type of relationship
frequently develops from an existing friendship that begins to deepen
as the boundaries between the two individuals weaken.
It is not necessarily based on sex. In fact, the power
driving the relationship is the strong emotions generated by the
growing romance. In this type of affair, the betrayer has most likely
made the decision to leave their marriage. They realize that they
can never be happy unless they get to be with the one they love.
Unlike the Low Rent Rendezvous, this type of affair often
indicates a deeper problem in the marriage. Let me be clear - the
marital problem is not the cause of the affair, but there are defects
that at the very least, serve as inhibitors to the betrayer's motivations
to consider working on the marriage. While this description may
cause you to believe the situation is hopeless, please know that
it is not. There are many couples that have recovered, and in fact,
will report that they are grateful that they were able to reconcile.
If you are in this category don't lose hope! God is able even in
this situation to bring new life.
Characteristics:
• The betrayer wants out of the marriage.
• They are in love with their affair partner, and are
willing to sacrifice life as they know it for the opportunity
to be with their lover.
• Typically, this type of affair is a long-term relationship
that has developed into a romance.
• Frequently, there is a pattern of the betrayer swinging
back and forth between the marriage and the affair partner. When
they are at home trying to do what is right, they are miserable
and feel they will never be happy. When they are with their affair
partner, they are ecstatic, but may be feeling so guilty that
they can't stand it so they move back home only to feel miserable
and to realize once again that they can never be happy unless
they go back to the affair partner. This dance of insanity can
continue for years.
• The betrayer often seems incapable of making a decision
as to what they are going to do. Even though the betrayer doesn't
want to be in the marriage, other factors may keep them from choosing
to divorce. For example, feelings of guilt or of failure may cause
them to stay. There may also be strong feelings regarding what
is best for the kids, so they may decide to stay for the children.
A lack of committment to the marriage, but choosing not to leave,
is not the solution to a country club affair.
Category 3 - Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places or the Sexual Addiction Affair
These affairs are committed by those have an ongoing
pattern of sexual betrayal such as frequenting topless bars and/or
adult bookstores, viewing pornography, compulsive masturbation,
prostitution, repetitive encounters with sexual partners, and other
behaviors that are destructive to both the individual and to the
marital relationship. These individuals, though married, have never
been able to find complete fulfillment from their marriage. Rather,
they are enslaved by a drive to satisfy their longings.
Driven by obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors,
they are powerless over their extra-marital attachments to behaviors,
people or objects, such as pornography. These individuals look to
these extramarital attachments to meet their God-given need for
love and acceptance rather than to the intended source (which would
be their mate or God).
Interestingly, this category of affairs is not about
the marriage, and often the betrayer will state that they don't
want their marriage to fail. They would have pursued the same behaviors
regardless of whom they married. Actually, for some, it is this
fear and shame that helps to create the dual life of an addict,
and which helps propel the ongoing destructive behaviors. They often
feel hopelessly trapped by their behaviors and at times by their
marriages, but are afraid to come clean because they don't want
to lose their marriage or their addictive behavior.
This type of betrayal is especially difficult for the
spouse because their suffering is not just from the betrayal, but
also from their inability to understand their mate's behavior. What
the addict has done seems so foreign the spouse cannot comprehend
it. Or they are in shock when they discover the sheer magnitude
of the compulsive behavior (like the man who visited more than 300
prostitutes).
Characteristics:
• There is a habitual pattern of extramarital behaviors
that are either sexually related and/or relational.
• Typically, the betrayer wants to save their marriage,
but they still have a compelling drive to look elsewhere to meet
their needs.
• Often these behaviors began before the marriage, stopped
after the marriage, and then began again after the addict realized
that the marriage couldn't meet the need met by the addictive
behavior.
• It is common for the betrayer to have made past efforts
to stop the behavior, and to have actually been successful for
a season, only to relapse after they believed things were better.
Frequently the betrayer has a deep sense of shame
and guilt.
Category 4 - Having Your Cake and Eating it Too or the Split Self Affair
This category of affair is similar to the Country Club
Affair in that the betrayer is involved with a single person, but
at the same time he or she does not want to leave their marriage.
To them, the affair partner is a soul mate.
These affairs frequently spring from a relationships
where the two individuals share something in common such as music,
art, or some other common interest. Typically, this area is something
they don't share in common with their mate, so they turn to this
person for understanding, companionship and support.
It is as if this person develops two lives. They share
one part of themselves with their mate and then they reserve another
aspect of life for the affair partner. Daily activities and information
are divided into two realms: that which will be shared with the
spouse, and that which will be shared with the affair partner.
Usually this type of affair indicates that there are
other deficits in the marriage, but like I stated before, these
marital problems in no way excuse the infidelity. They are areas
that will need to be addressed in order to strengthen the marriage.
Characteristics:
• The individual wants to stay married.
• It's not unusual for the affair partner to be referred
to as a soul mate.
• The betrayer's life is divided into two parts, the
part that they share with their mate and the part that they share
with their soul mate. Therefore two distinct sets of needs are
met by two distinct relationships.
Category 5 - You're Not My Lover, You're My Best Friend
This fifth type of affair is commonly referred to as
an emotional affair. Although some would not consider an emotional
entanglement an affair, this type of relationship can be just as
devastating and destructive as a sexual affair. Emotional affairs
are not commonly talked about and frequently often their lack of
sexual involvement is used as a rationalization as to why it’s not
it’s not an affair. But technicalities in no way absolve the reality
of the situation. The notion that a lack of sexual involvement somehow
prevents this type of relational intimacy from being an affair is
baffling. Anytime someone other than our mate is permitted to enter
the most intimate areas of our life we are giving something that
we have no right to give. I have already given and committed my
heart and being to another. One good way to identify this type
of affair is if your mate’s “best friend” has information or
more insight into your mate's life than you. Our definition
of infidelity is “the keeping of secrets.” Does their “friend”
know more about your marriage than you? If your mate is closer
to a friend than to you, then it is already and affair. It may seem
harmless because they’ve yet to cross the sexual/physical line,
but it is an affair nonetheless.
Characteristics:
• Boundary issues are a factor.
• Your mate is better friends with another individual
than they are with you.
• Your mate keeps secrets with their friend rather than
you.
• Your mate does not want to choose between their friend
and you.
• Your mate wants to stay married.